We are in the middle of Festive Season and everyone runs amok looking for last minute presents, people wear ugly jumpers and curse at the weather. Queen is on the telly, turkey`s in the oven and all the cracker`s jokes are half funny.
In the UK, there is also a long tradition of having alternative celebrations, with typical witty and dry humour, puns and general disregard for conveniences. We thought, we would do something of this sort – kind of indie festivities here at Indieterria, tongue-in-cheek, funny, politically incorrect kind of way. Let`s be punk for a day and have fun. The year was tough enough. So we asked our friends and musicians on the local scene some holiday-themed questions and let them unwind a bit.
Please take all the answers with a barrel of salt. Or two. Or a barrel of cider. Whatever gets you though the Christmas Madness.
* Jesse River Dylan Murray (JRDM)
Question: Ugly Christmas jumpers are passé. What to wear to look like a rock’n’roll star?
Indieterria: You own a Morrissey jumper?
Jesse: Wore it to work today!
Indieterria: Any other fashion tips?
Jesse: Don’t smile too hard because then Santa will think you’re up to something and that you haven’t been entirely good. And he’ll put something smelly in your stocking.
Jesse is absolutely a rock`n`roll fun. And he looks likes the part of a rock god.
* Thousand Mountain
Question: How to throw a perfect NYE party?
TM: A mixture of illegal drugs and cuddles. This can apply to any party. (laugh)
Indieterria: Anything else or you just recommend these two?
TM: Perhaps Thousand Mountain new EP blasting through the speakers!
Of course, Thousand Mountain know how to party. Here they are using jaffa cake packages as light sabers.
Question: You get to choose Christmas No 1 song. What tune is it?
P7: It has to be “A Christmas F***ing Miracle” by Run the Jewels.
A much better tune than what the charts offered this year! No complaints here.
* The Americas
Question: Executive orders were often used this year, especially over the Big Pond. Imagine you can issue an executive order for this Christmas. What should be obligatory?
The Americas: The festive sport of politicians hunting would be obligatory this Boxing Day… by order of Santa Claus himself.
Strong like a bottle of punch but unfortunately there are still some “traditions” around the festive time that should be relegated to the bin of history. We at Indieterria would like to see cruelty-free Christmas this and every year.
We adore The Americas, not only for their music but for their conscience too. Having a heart in the right place is much more important than the biggest present under the tree!
And speaking about The Americas, on December 24th their song has been played on BBC 6 Music. With a recommendation. That`s what what we call an Indie Christmas Miracle!
* Duncan Graves (photographer)
Question: Mr Photographer, how to look like a million pounds in the festive selfies?
Duncan: Put the transparent green wrapper from your chocolates over your photos flash!
We put the advise into practice. What do you think? Better than Kim K?
Iggy Cuthbert (Happy Bones)
Question: In case of an extreme weather this holiday season (you know snow storms, ice on the streets, temperature drop to -30 Celsius), what survival tactics can you recommend?
Iggy: I think drink a lot of wine and smoke a tonne in hopes that you would burn up from the inside like a nice warm fireplace in a groovy pub.
Decadent poetry is always in season. Here is a picture of Iggy and his friends from Boneyard sessions at a nice and cosy pub (Heroes) with some festive candy.
* Christian Burton (promoter)
Question: Everybody loves the presents. What should people find under their Christmas trees? Any ideas?
Christian: New music! Everybody should get at least one LP they have never heard before, or by an artist that is new to them. Some of my best Xmas presents have been LPs that were new to me.
Socks! Socks are items I generally don’t like buying. They’re more of a necessity than a pleasure for me, and I’m not trendy or hipster enough to roll my trousers up to show them off, so if anyone buys me fancy socks for Christmas it’s a bonus even though they’ll stay unseen under my jeans!
Chocolate! It wouldn’t feel like Christmas if you aren’t stuffing your face with sweets even though you’ve eaten your own body weight in Christmas dinner, Christmas pudding and all the cheese.
Good Whisky! Helps you cope with competitive family board games and questionable political debates with the people you only see once or twice a year!
There you go! A whole list in case you feel uninspired what to give your near and dears!
* Nuns of the Tundra
Question: Holiday season is often a time of temptation (just one more mince pie!). Can Nuns of the Tundra offer any tips how to avoid gluttony?
Nundra: It`s all relative, so make sure your gluttony levels are low in comparison to those around you, then by default you will no longer be the gluttonous one. The Nuns recommend you befriend a school of blue whales over the holiday season, that extra mince pie won’t be so frowned upon when your mates are eating 8000 pounds of krill!
Making friends is very important. After all nobody should be alone or body shamed at Christmas. And to prove the point, here are the Nuns eating excessive amounts in chocolate. In moderation that is.
* Ruben Seabright
Question: You are the new show runner for Doctor Who. What does the Who Christmas special include?
Ruben: My Doctor Who special would be epic. I’m talking Cybermen/Daleks team up trying to bring Earth to its knees by forcing the populace to endure Christmas songs 24/7, all year round.
The Doctor fights heroically against this, cutting down waves of Cybermen and putting a stop to these amplified transmissions of “Do they Know It’s Christmas” but no matter how hard the Doctor fights, it’s not enough.
Just when all hope is lost, (cities lie in ruins, Michael Buble has been made King Of The World), help arrives in a surprising manner.
From the dust and rubble emerges a mysterious figure, draped in leather, a top hat adorning his head, guitar in hand, a determined look struck upon his face. An astonished onlooker exclaims loudly “It`s really him, the Lothario himself, Jesse River Dylan Murray!”
As Jesse strides towards to The Doctor, striking down Daleks in his path, he sets down his amp, and starts playing.
The Cybermen retreat first, unable to handle the deep notes of his song, but The Daleks ships remain in orbit, undeterred, and pumping out “Mistletoe & Wine” as loud as cosmically possible.
Jesse plays louder as The Doctor whips out the fabled Sonic Screwdriver. Using the power of the Screwdriver, The Doctor amplifies the sound of JRDM to unearthly levels, blocking out the festive slop of Cliff Richard, until suddenly, silence.
After a few minutes, the silence is broken by the sound of inactive Daleks falling from the sky, as the entire human race cheers for Jesse and The Doctor, heroes of mankind.
As Jesse turns to leave, The Doctor says: “You know, I am searching for a new assistant’.
Jesse looks back and replies “I`m sorry Doctor, I’m a lone wolf. Although, If the world is ever attacked by Christmas loving aliens again, then I’ll be there.”
As Jesse leaves, The Doctor smiles wistfully and says to the assembles throng “Right then, we better get rebuilding, it will be Easter soon”.
Everyone laughs and there`s an 80’s style freeze frame as the credits roll.
As for a show runner – Ruben can whip up a pitch faster than you can say “Steven Moffat”.
That`s all folks!
We hope you giggled once or twice reading this post.
Merry Christmas folks the indie way.